D A V I D A C K L E Y
News from the White House: Larry Kudlow and D.T. discuss the New York Lockdown, from a Whistle-Blower taping the president for his forthcoming expose.
Larry Kudlow, Administration Economic Advisor
D.T., Acting President of the United States
Kudlow ( Just shy of panic): You can’t do that, Sir.
D.T.: Of course I can. I can do anything I want. I’m The President.
D.T. : Say it again. I love it when you call me sir.
Kudlow: Sir, you can’t shut down a whole state and its residents. It’s just not possible.
D.T.: Why? I have a whole army. We’ll put them all around the state, shoulder to shoulder.
Kudlow: Think of the ….
D.T. (warningly): Larry.
Kudlow: Sir, sorry sir. That still wouldn’t be enough. Manhattan is surrounded by water, they’d flee in boats.
D.T. : What have I got a navy for? Put them out there, destroyers and all those other big yachts .
Kudlow: Sir, the army might have to fire on American civilians.
D.T.: So? What do we give them bullets for?…( Mulling it over.) Maybe we could build a wall around New York. A big, beautiful wall like before.
Kudlow: You may have forgotten how your other wall went. The almost perfect, almost built, mainly imaginary wall with Mexico. Remember the ropes, the ladders, the rope ladders… Remember El Chapo’s underground excursion train from Tijuana to San Diego, filled with Narco bosses and their Ho’s, smoking crack, meth, Smack…
Kudlow: Dope….Pulling freight cars full of cocaine for all your pals like Jeffrey…
D.T.: Jeffrey Who?
Kudlow: Right. Sorry, sir. People are like water, sir, they always find the holes.
D.T.: Fucking Mexicans, anyway…Fucking people. I don’t care. I’m going to close the tunnels and bridges on New York. I’m going to shut them in with their dirty New York Virus and let it eat them.
Kudlow: I thought it was the China Virus.
D.T. That was last week’s virus. The other one. The new one is the New York Virus.
Kudlow: Sir, it would cause a financial meltdown of epic proportions. ( growing more desperate by the word.) There’d be panic on Wall Street like never before. The market would plunge, the Dow Jones would be below zero: Brokers would be paying people to buy stocks. The President of Deutsche Bank would call in all your loans, it would bankrupt you and all your companies and your children, what’s his face and Vianka.
D.T.: That’s Ivanka.
Kudlow: Sorry sir, I must have confused her with your with your first wife, Vianna.
D.T.: That’s Ivana…I don’t care about any of that. I can stiff Deutsche Bank . I’ve done it plenty of times before. Or better still, I’ll just tell the mint to print up the Six Hundred Million or whatever the fuck I owe them and fork it over. They’ll still love me.
Kudlow: ( Nearly raving, Pleading.). Sir, you don’t understand sir. Soon the peasants will be attacking Mar A Largo, turning all your golf courses into vegetable gardens.
Trump: (Beginning to tremble.) My golf courses?
Kudlow: Threatening all your members and your very few remaining friends with garden forks.
Trump: My Mar A Largo members?
Kudlow: ( Beginning to sense a weakness .) And printing all that money is going to cause hyperinflation like we’ve never seen. America will be like Germany in the ’20’s . You’ll have to put all your money in a wheelbarrow to buy a loaf of bread.
D.T.: ( Momentarily intrigued by the image.) I could see all my money at once?…What’s a wheelbarrow?… (Beginning to pout.) Oh, all right. I won’t quarantine them. But they better be careful!
He throws his rattle at Kudlow’s feet.
D.T.: ( As Kudlow turns to go.) Pick that up for me, would you Larry?
Kudlow: (Brightly) Sure thing, sir.
(Sotto voice, to himself, as he bends to pick it up,
saying, as have countless Trump-lackeys before him.) I hate this fucking job.
And so it came to pass that Acting President D.T. has decided after all, in his infinite concern for his people, not to lockdown the state of New York, the state of New Jersey, and still to be determined parts of the state of Connecticut.